So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
