she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
