I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
