Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
