in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
