i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
