i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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