It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
