i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
