forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there's paper in my vomit.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
