i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
