Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
