I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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