I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
