I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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