How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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