I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
