Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
