if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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