theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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