if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
