My first STD was from a foam party
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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