I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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