i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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