nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
