if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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