I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
