if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
