dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
