Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
