he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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