Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
