She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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