I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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