she woke up with a sticky ear
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
