I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
