genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
