Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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