Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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