i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
