so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Can Purell be used as lube?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
