so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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