moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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