new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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