Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
