we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
