Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
