I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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