I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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