As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
